Yes, that is me in February 2010. It was my husband 40th Birthday surprise party, I thought I was looking great, (I was living the life of denial)...little did I know that my weight was another part of the problem with my emotional outlook on life. I was very insecure...yes I said it...I WAS insecure. By December 2010, I was 298 lbs., a size 26, and a physical miserable mess. I think I can honestly say that I was at rock bottom by December 2010. I had a large case, no pun intended, of the guilties for not accompanying my husband to his birth father’s funeral in November of 2010. Then to really test my emotional frame of mind, I got email bashed by an old "So called friend" of my husbands. Funny what happens when a woman (myself), gets the idea in her head, that her (my) relationship is being threatened – how sad and extreme a woman (I) can become. They either run and hide or come back twice as strong. What do you think I did? Don't answer that, you might get it wrong. Believe it or not, I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and disappear, yet at the same time I knew I had to change myself. I kept finding myself asking the same question over and over in my mind, "How the hell did this strong independent women turn into the overweight, lonely, untrusting of anyone, reactive, emotional, co-dependent person I was. Then to add insult to injury, I then somehow had become the naive person I was before I met my husband. My brain was a cluttered mess. I couldn't think or process the easiest tasks. As much as I vowed I'd never be that naive girl again, in my mind, I was exactualy that girl and then some. OMG! On Dec 7, 2011, my doctor updated my medical status and if I didn't begin to change I would end up a full-fledged diabetic, because of my weight, and a heart attack because of the high level of stress I was under. What it boiled down to...I had to declutter my mind and what was going on within me, in order to start cleaning up what was going on around me.
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| These are the pants in the first picture. |
To start, I had to put my faults down on paper. This, my dear readers, was a big time wakeup call. A huge reality check if we want to keep the descriptions modern. (Smile). Not only did I have issues, I just couldn’t get over the lack of respect that I had for myself and I realized, If I don't respect myself, then who would? Nobody! Here it is, one year and one month later. SURPRISED - Is the reaction I get from people who haven’t seen or spoken to me since I reached my goal to lose the weight and declutter my mind. People say, “Wow, what diet are you on? What are you doing? Are you exercising? I want to do what you’re doing. You must feel great!” Yes, I do feel great and no I am not on a diet – That response usually quiets a room. I’m serious I didn’t get caught up in a multimillion dollar weight loss program. All I did was stopped drinking soda. I stopped eating junk food and anything that has more than 5 grams of sugar in it, I don’t put it in my mouth. For exercise, I picked up Yoga – LOVIN’ IT!
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| Me as a size 12/14 |
But the biggest thing that I did, and was the most important – I learned to respect myself and began the process of clearing out the clutter of unnecessary thoughts in my mind. I learned that I can’t change the people around me, I can only change myself. I can’t change the way people think, I can only change my way of thinking. The hardest lesson I learned, was that if you want people to hear what you’re saying, you also have show them that you are a good listener.
I took all the negative elements in my life and made them work in a positive way for me. My way of thinking, eating, guilt, insecurity, depression, co-dependency, reactiveness, emotional disconnect, thought I was lonely, and yes I even found a way to turn the email from the, “I tell it like it is,” old friend, to work to my advantage. A big thank you to her, you totally inspired me to write one hell of a book. Now if my publishers and I could get on the same page with the cover, they tell me it will one day be a best seller, hands down. The biggest and final wakeup call - when I learned why she went on to write the words that she did. I think she’d be the one who feels the fool now if she knew that SHE HAD BEEN LIED TO TOO! Sucks doesn’t it! Moving on to better things.
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| There were my jeans a year ago - Size 26 |
I let so much negative life stay bottled up in my mind, that it physically paralyzed me. I had to create a positive image in my mind along with my changes in sugar content and food and so, I saw myself thin, I saw myself smiling, I saw myself happy and I saw myself loved. Love can move mountains, and love helped me see the light of change. I didn’t want to bomb bard you with my past, but sometimes reading someone else’s struggles as to why they do what they do to themselves or how others affect people, helps us see that we are not alone in this world. That one time or another, we have all been in a place that we feel is our own rock bottom. It may not have anything to do with weight, yet somehow we can still connect with the feeling of hurt or disappointment. If you want to be happy, than be happy, you can do it! I believe in you, just like I now believe in myself. You only get one shot at this lifetime, grab a hold of it, and make it yours. So what if that dream of being a millionaire hasn’t come true, you’re alive, right? So what if you don’t have a fancy car, you’re still alive. And even when you’re feeling that you are not loved…love yourself and who you are, as there is nobody else like you. Don’t let the influence others dictate who you are, what you want in live, and what you look like. I have taken back my life and I am stronger than ever and I will never let hurtful words or negativity ever claim me again.
In all the clutter and fog that has been removed from my mind, body and soul, I found my life again and the people I want to share that life with. Yet all of those dear family and friends in my life, they should all know by now, the three most important men in my life, that keep me motivated to keep moving forward and not to give up – My husband, and two sons. I am blessed to have your love and support and that you kept believeing in me, just when I though that all hope had been lost. I Love You Always.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LflD37JAlS0
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