"The Four Letter label"
Written by: Stacey L. Bolin
W
|
ell Hello Everybody! Can you believe it; another school year
here in Maryland has just recently ended to give birth to summer and the
dreaded overly humid days? As many of you may know by now, I have gotten a new
job part-time working as a news anchor for a local radio station. I am both
excited and scared. I know what happens to me when I work - my motherly duties
as a house wife always seem to falter. So, here it is, I have put together a
blog to get myself organized and suddenly I am overcome with a new fear - I
have six months left to get myself 100% organized. I tell myself I can do it,
then at the same time I feel crippled by the idea if I can do it or not. Now
don't get me wrong, I am not a slob by any means and getting my weight under
control was honestly half my battle. I feel better, I move around without any
issues, with the exception of a mild asthma attack now and then and unfortunately this problem will never go away due
to the effect of my radiation therapy some years back. So have I gotten my spare room/office done?
No and what is old saying – The truth shall set you free? Well, it’s time that
I am truthful with myself and who knows, maybe someone else out there is
dealing with the same thing.
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| Photo By S.L.Bolin 4/2012 |
Now for many years, I have struggled with all kinds of
things, clutter, people, life, finances, etc. etc. I could never truly explain
any of it. I was soon consumed with a fear that I never had when I was younger,
or even my first year in the military. So why did I go from being fearless to
fearful? Many say it is an age thing, but for me I know deep down that is not
the case. I was told when I was first diagnoses with a blood disorder, that
they recommended that I seek counseling, but I never had the ability to hear
the reasons why. Doctors were concerned that my blood disorder would lead to
far worse conditions – They were right. Then I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s in
May 1994, again I was told that I should be in therapy. I experienced a near death situation and I
walked through deaths door and lived to tell about it. In my mind when doctor
talked about therapy, I immediately assumed they meant marriage therapy, I
never understood that it was not for marriage therapy, but therapy for
post-traumatic stress disorder, P.T.S.D. for short, that they all saw and I
didn't. At that point I feared being labeled. For the last 18 years I'd been
running away from a label that is created by four letters of the alphabet, but
with all that running and trying to keep a game face that all was perfect in my
world or worlds, that game began to take its toll and fatigue and depression
set in. What does P.T.S.D. mean? Please clink the link below to learn more
about this disorder.
So if you have read the information from the link above, just
reading that is scary on its own – but completely explains my thinking for the
past 17 years and I never told anyone what doctors suspected was wrong. If you
were to ask me to explain what this is for me, I have GREAT DAYS and then I
have the days that are best described in this manner - I feel like a person
running an obstacles course that just when you think you have completed it,
another extra-large hurdle is thrown in front of you. I see the mountain that I want to conquer -
and I know I can. I see the field at the base of the mountain, which has no
trail to follow. I must make my own path. As I walk the field and create a
path, I am met with obstacles that I fear and rather than face them, I pick
them up and put them in my backpack and continue to carry them. It can make a
person so very tired and that person, I am.
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| Photo by: S.L.Bolin 5/2012 |
Over and over they tried to get me into therapy, over and
over I would say I didn’t need any help, so I thought, until a couple years
ago. I have come a long way, but I am at a point where I need the specialist to
try to mend the rest of me. So what does clutter have to do with P.T.S.D.?
Sounds like an excuse you say? I guess it would look like that. For me, I would
come across things that would remind me of a past of good and bad moments, for
example: I kept quite a bit of baby stuff that my boys had when they were
infants. I found that some outfits felt great to look at and others scared me
and reminded me of chemo treatments and bone marrows tests. My only thinking,
somehow I remember what they wore. I know – totally crazy, that is until I’d
stumble across photos taken on days when I would get to see many nurse and doctor friends on treatment days I
had made in the hospitals, and they would be holding our kids, and guess what,
they’d be wear an outfit. Thus resulting in an instant trigger and that I could
see my treatments days. Strange I know, but so very true. It was very hard, but
I eventually was able to separate the clothes and learned to keep a couple of
outfits, telling myself that everything goes out of style, but I wanted to give
my boys a memento chest, of some sort ,and so I kept a few of the things that
felt good, and let go of the bad. It was a very rewarding feeling when I was
done…however it took me 18 years to accomplish it.
I decided that in my new position, I must share with my new
manager what I have been through. I was relieved when I soon realized that
after sharing some of my hidden complexities, she offered a bit of advice that
really struck a cord with me. "Stacey, how can people learn from what you
have gone through and how can you learn from your inner struggles if you don't
share what you are going through. Don't let fear control you, take a stand and
face it head on." She is so right, so here is my moment to face a fear
that I've hidden from, run away from, and even covered up. On June 11, 2012 the
four letters that I have feared the most, met me face to face and I have chosen
to embrace them, deal with the pain I have locked away in my mind, and chose
not to carry so much mental baggage in my backpack. To accept is to talk about, and so, here it is,
for all who always questioned the me that I am, and for those who endured why I had that overly sickening happy personality
when I worked for the police department, it was, and still is, because I suffer from Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder and feared I would be looked at differently. Oddly enough,
there are millions of people in the world who suffer from the very same thing
and they go on and live in the world and nobody ever knows unless they tell
them. I feel better already to finally be able to just say it. I just have to remember that Rome was not build in one night and progress will take as much time as it needs to change the thinking in my mind. Now, for my next big step folks, I’ve got an office/spare bedroom to finish. So Stay tuned and be the first to see this room and its grand transformation through pictures. Have a great day – Blog ya later.
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