"The Gulf War Within"

http://bu3-ret-staceybolin.blogspot.com/2012/07/gulf-war-within.html

The Four Letter Label

"The Four Letter label"

Written by: Stacey L. Bolin

W

ell Hello Everybody! Can you believe it; another school year here in Maryland has just recently ended to give birth to summer and the dreaded overly humid days? As many of you may know by now, I have gotten a new job part-time working as a news anchor for a local radio station. I am both excited and scared. I know what happens to me when I work - my motherly duties as a house wife always seem to falter. So, here it is, I have put together a blog to get myself organized and suddenly I am overcome with a new fear - I have six months left to get myself 100% organized. I tell myself I can do it, then at the same time I feel crippled by the idea if I can do it or not. Now don't get me wrong, I am not a slob by any means and getting my weight under control was honestly half my battle. I feel better, I move around without any issues, with the exception of a mild asthma attack now and then and unfortunately this problem will never go away due to the effect of my radiation therapy some years back.  So have I gotten my spare room/office done? No and what is old saying – The truth shall set you free? Well, it’s time that I am truthful with myself and who knows, maybe someone else out there is dealing with the same thing.

Photo By S.L.Bolin 4/2012

Now for many years, I have struggled with all kinds of things, clutter, people, life, finances, etc. etc. I could never truly explain any of it. I was soon consumed with a fear that I never had when I was younger, or even my first year in the military. So why did I go from being fearless to fearful? Many say it is an age thing, but for me I know deep down that is not the case. I was told when I was first diagnoses with a blood disorder, that they recommended that I seek counseling, but I never had the ability to hear the reasons why. Doctors were concerned that my blood disorder would lead to far worse conditions – They were right. Then I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s in May 1994, again I was told that I should be in therapy.   I experienced a near death situation and I walked through deaths door and lived to tell about it. In my mind when doctor talked about therapy, I immediately assumed they meant marriage therapy, I never understood that it was not for marriage therapy, but therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder, P.T.S.D. for short, that they all saw and I didn't. At that point I feared being labeled. For the last 18 years I'd been running away from a label that is created by four letters of the alphabet, but with all that running and trying to keep a game face that all was perfect in my world or worlds, that game began to take its toll and fatigue and depression set in. What does P.T.S.D. mean? Please clink the link below to learn more about this disorder.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/

So if you have read the information from the link above, just reading that is scary on its own – but completely explains my thinking for the past 17 years and I never told anyone what doctors suspected was wrong. If you were to ask me to explain what this is for me, I have GREAT DAYS and then I have the days that are best described in this manner - I feel like a person running an obstacles course that just when you think you have completed it, another extra-large hurdle is thrown in front of you.  I see the mountain that I want to conquer - and I know I can. I see the field at the base of the mountain, which has no trail to follow. I must make my own path. As I walk the field and create a path, I am met with obstacles that I fear and rather than face them, I pick them up and put them in my backpack and continue to carry them. It can make a person so very tired and that person, I am.

Photo by: S.L.Bolin 5/2012

Over and over they tried to get me into therapy, over and over I would say I didn’t need any help, so I thought, until a couple years ago. I have come a long way, but I am at a point where I need the specialist to try to mend the rest of me. So what does clutter have to do with P.T.S.D.? Sounds like an excuse you say? I guess it would look like that. For me, I would come across things that would remind me of a past of good and bad moments, for example: I kept quite a bit of baby stuff that my boys had when they were infants. I found that some outfits felt great to look at and others scared me and reminded me of chemo treatments and bone marrows tests. My only thinking, somehow I remember what they wore. I know – totally crazy, that is until I’d stumble across photos taken on days when I would get to see many  nurse and doctor friends on treatment days I had made in the hospitals, and they would be holding our kids, and guess what, they’d be wear an outfit. Thus resulting in an instant trigger and that I could see my treatments days. Strange I know, but so very true. It was very hard, but I eventually was able to separate the clothes and learned to keep a couple of outfits, telling myself that everything goes out of style, but I wanted to give my boys a memento chest, of some sort ,and so I kept a few of the things that felt good, and let go of the bad. It was a very rewarding feeling when I was done…however it took me 18 years to accomplish it.

I decided that in my new position, I must share with my new manager what I have been through. I was relieved when I soon realized that after sharing some of my hidden complexities, she offered a bit of advice that really struck a cord with me. "Stacey, how can people learn from what you have gone through and how can you learn from your inner struggles if you don't share what you are going through. Don't let fear control you, take a stand and face it head on." She is so right, so here is my moment to face a fear that I've hidden from, run away from, and even covered up. On June 11, 2012 the four letters that I have feared the most, met me face to face and I have chosen to embrace them, deal with the pain I have locked away in my mind, and chose not to carry so much mental baggage in my backpack.  To accept is to talk about, and so, here it is, for all who always questioned the me that I am, and for those who endured why I had that overly sickening happy personality when I worked for the police department, it was, and still is, because I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and feared I would be looked at differently. Oddly enough, there are millions of people in the world who suffer from the very same thing and they go on and live in the world and nobody ever knows unless they tell them. I feel better already to finally be able to just say it. I just have to remember that Rome was not build in one night and progress will take as much time as it needs to change the thinking in my mind.


Now, for my next big step folks, I’ve got an office/spare bedroom to finish. So Stay tuned and be the first to see this room and its grand transformation through pictures.  Have a great day – Blog ya later.

"Nuclear Energy - Friend and Foe"

http://bu3-ret-staceybolin.blogspot.com/2012/05/nuclear-energy-friend-and-foe.html

T-Minus 7 Days and Counting

http://bu3-ret-staceybolin.blogspot.com/2012/03/countdown-begins-remember-to-breath.html

SHOCK & AWE!

Well with any good idea, you are always going to have set backs. This week, I’ve had a huge set back; however this set back is the most important thing that our family will be facing in a long time. It's not so much it’s a bad thing, it is actually very remarkable. On Tuesday of this week, I was all excited to post that I had finished my closet project, only be bombarded by endless 1-800 numbers calling the house. There was one number on my phone that continued to show up from Jan 31, to Feb 2, 2012. Oddly enough, I counted the number of times it had appeared, NO JOKE, it had listed 11 times. “WOW” I thought, that was one hell of sales person wanting to get ahold of me. My thinking was it was probably a solicitation for the Policeman's and fireman’s drive, the Capital Newspaper wanting me start getting home delivery of the paper, an upgrade offer on my Xfinity cable or who knows, a bill that I paid three years ago and they are just calling me about it now saying I didn’t... I see you nodding your heads; you’ve gotten those types of calls too. What do they think we’re idiots? But I guess in this recession and companies doing all they can to drain that mighty dollar from our hard working citizens; I guess they figure why not give it a try and see what happens. I've gotten calls like that, the caller on the other line just assumed I was stupid enough to believe I still owed the debt. But they don’t know that I have a sharp memory and I know I didn't forget to pay

So, again, my brain is wandering, let me get back to my update. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, was like any normal day, depending on what you would classify normal as, in this house. Kids got up with the same slow motion movement and feet dragging. This is not only normal, I expect it as they have been like this for years. When the school year gets closer and closer to the summer, they get slower and slower to get up in the morning. They got on the bus on Tuesday, and I drove them on Wednesday and Thursday, then I would come home and I went about my normal routine...eyeing the empty bed that calls my name every morning to come back and snuggle down in it - but I don't. I got laundry done and at the strike of the clock that indicated it was 8 am, the phone started it's off the hook, ring all day, deal. UGH! I’d answer and it would be someone selling this, or offering that and I was at my wits end and vowed that if it wasn’t a number I knew it was going to keep ringing.  Was I going to screen my calls?  Your dang straight I was…and then it happened – The most important call of my life that I would have lost had I not heard the beginning of the message. Three mini phrases registered in my head - Your book, Executives, Hollywood film agents, had me running through my home like a long jump Olympian.  . HOLY SCREEN WRITE!

I grabbed the phone and kept yelling “Hello! Hello! I’m here! Hello!”

“Yes, ma’am, how are you today? My publisher replied in a very professional voice

“I’m fine, how are you?” speaking slowly to hide my elevated heart rate and breathing. He went on to talk about an event that he is working on and that a marketing agent with the publishing house that I am with, put my book “Through the Barracks Window: A Time of Waves” on his desk for consideration to be a part of the - Las Vegas Pitch Fest 2012. To sum up his email that was sent to me to confirm my placement in this event, this is what it said at the bottom of all the information that he provided and what I would expect.

·          Las Vegas is the Entertainment Capital of the World where professional entertainment executives who are looking for stories with an enthralling concept, a sharp focus, and visual potential to name a few book-to-screen characteristics. Are you ready to show Las Vegas, Nevada what you and your book are made of? Don’t miss out on this glamorous opportunity to launch your book into the limelight. There are only 150 spots available and spots will be filled on a first come, first serve basis.

Now, when I first got the call on Thursday, I reacted in the same as when I was told that I had Hodgkin’s disease. Your mind goes into a numb state. You can hear, you see, but you are completely numb as to what is going on around you. 

My husband was on his way to pick me and the kids up, to go to one of the Junior Fair board meetings that our kids attend once a month. I tried my best to hide my sheer fear that I was dealing with. Fear of success, fear of possible financial freedom, fear of another dream coming true, and the fear of financial ruins if I pay for the accommodations that are required of me. When I told my kids and my husband what the call had entailed, you saw the same shock I had experienced, however their shock turned to glee. For me, I wanted to run and hide. I worried that my family would resent me if I went and came home without an offer, that I would have once again, let them down. This feeling consumed me for the rest of the evening and all during a sleepless night. As my husband slept peacefully beside me, I whispered over and over into the night, “God, What do I do?”

The next morning at breakfast, and still consumed by this fear of failing, my husband shared his words of support and that he knew this was the big break I have been looking for, over the past year.  He was so compassionate, he knew I was struggling with something inside of me and was patient as I tried to find the right words to express what I was feeling. It wasn't until his call, before my publicist was to call, that I shared my fears, all of them.  His reply was, “It’s nothing but a thing. You can do this! I know you can! I’d be disappointed if you had this chance and didn’t go for it! I will be very angry if I knew you sat in front of your computer for 11 years getting your words into print, only to get this close, but then walk away. I don’t care what it costs – YOUR GOING!”

On Friday at 1:24pm, I confirmed with my publicist that I would attend. I just can’t believe it - I am going to Vegas in March with the hopes that another one of my odd dreams may in fact become a reality. What was that dream that I had when I chose to finally publish my story?  I dreamt that I was walking the red carpet with my family.  I don’t know why, all I know is that in that dream it was a feeling of going full circle in my life. A true -  what goes around comes around, in a positive way, moment.  I just can't imagine how I'd feel if this really comes true? I do know that I will never doubt the work of a higher power and the strength within me.  Now if I can only pitch my story with the same passion that I have when I talk about it or when I write my other short stories. As for my cleaning quests , I promise they will continue, but may not always be the immediate success that was in my mind before I knew I had to write a Pitch that could make my book a movie. I will, no matter what, I will still accomplish my cleaning challenge by 2013. Yikes! Why do I put so much on my plate…is my mind really that hungry? Have a great weekend and enjoy the Super Bowl Game. Here’s hoping that Madonna doesn’t have any outfit malfunctions while my teenage boys and husband are watching. (smile).

THE CALL THAT STOPPED THE CLUTTER CLEAN

Let me start by saying, that no matter how much clutter I am faced to organize each day, my family will always come first if they need me, my ears, my advice, a hug, my help...you name it, I am there for them good or bad. So where do I start...Oh, I remember, It started out as any normal day would yesterday morning. I have been doing great with keeping up on putting things back in their rightful places. But have you ever had a situation when putting something back in their rightful place was a person? I know odd comment but I’ll explain soon? So, let’s begin today, with my philo that I believe to be fact. Life has a way of tripping you up, but if you’re prepared the outcome can be harmonious and life changing.

Yesterday I began my long to-do list, as I always do on Thursdays.  I have appointed Thursday as my day to leave the house early in the morning to get everything I need tended to that is out of the home.  My list included but was not limited to, taking the boy's to school, getting base stickers for both of our trucks, pick up prescriptions, get lab work done and go to the commissary. All of this accomplished before 10:00 am. I was feeling great that I had done so much in the course of three hours, I wanted to do something extra special for my honey.

My husband has been working at a job that is just around the corner from our home, which is very nice, because I can stop in quickly to drop off something special. I make his lunch every day, but I know that the same ole sandwich and chips gets boring. I try to switch up his food choices so that it’s a surprise when he sits down to eat. My plan yesterday was to drop him off his favorite candy, but as I pulled up to the job site, clearly something was wrong and had totally disrupted his day. I had not seen that pale look on his face since the doctors told me I had cancer. Immediately my mind was rushed bad images, because I had forgotten my cellphone at home and maybe I missed an important call.

His body language was frightening and I knew I had to stay calm to help keep the situation contained. I had asked if something had happened on the job, to which he replied no. I asked if he was feeling OK, and again, he replied no. So I knew something was upsetting him and asked him flat out, what was wrong. He had indicated that he had gotten a call from home and went on say and I quote “The doctors said there was nothing more they could do for my mom, and she is going downhill fast”. Now what would you think if you hear those words? Get your airline tickets? Make arrangements to take the family home? If it didn’t come from mom or dad directly…call home and find out if it was true?

All of those things entered my brain, and I was ready to have the whole family on a plane to be with his mother today. Yet, then my mind stopped in its tracks and I was forced to ask the one question I already had the answer too. “Who called and told you this?” I was not surprised when he told me who. The Drama Queen strikes again. I assured him that I didn’t feel the situation was a grave as he was thinking and told him I would call home myself to get an update. He assured me that he would call home, but there was no way that I was going to let him work with the heavy machinery that he operates, under that type of worry and stress. I’m glad I went with my gut instinct and I made that call as soon as I got home.

I was unable to get through the first couple of tries, but was finally successful and how shocked I was to hear this upbeat full of life voice on the phone. Instantly my fears subsided when she said that for the most part, in spite of all that she has been through, she was fine. I have to say, his mom has seen her share of medical challenges and keeps on truckin’. We laughed and joked on the phone for more than a half an hour. She shared with me the changes in her medical status, and what the next steps were. She has MS, and not all patients with this disease have the same treatment outcome. They just haven’t found the best regiment that meets all her needs. She had shared with me what the next course of treatment would be and to lighten the mood I was instructed to share with my husband that “Mom is fine and that he needs to realize that she was going to be around a long time to bug him.”  

Now clearly the way that my husband had stated what her condition was, would have led you to believe she was about to take her last breath. I felt bad, but I had even told my husband before I left, that I didn’t believe this situation was all truth and that it was another one of those, feel bad for me the sky is falling moments. He was mad at my comment, but that quickly changed about an hour later. Going on, my husband is a nice guy, will do anything for anyone, and takes people at their word. But the one thing about this good hearted man...He hates a liar." He gets mad when I keep bring up that people these days have this great ability to stretch the truth.  I’m told I am over reacting, but today was the turning moment when I called him back and updated him. I sensed his anger and this time it wasn’t towards me. Phew! I thought sure he was going to be mad that I made the call that he told me not to. He is very aware that his mom is going through a lot, and he worries about her every day. The problem with this is that my husband has gotten this type of urgent call like clockwork for the past 12 years, putting this strong woman on her death bed. SAD! I take notice when something becomes repetitive and these types of calls are hard on my husband which in turn affects the whole family. Which has me thinking that the caller didn't completely listen to the news they had gotten at home and paniced or that are treading along the lines of intentional and could be viewed as a form of emotional abuse to make him feel guilty that he has not moved back home to be with his family more.

This is another reason why I dislike cell phones more and more. This whole situation could have waited until after working hours. People need to get the clue that, his boss can’t stress it enough at his place of employment…NO PERSONAL CALLS ON HIS (THE BOSSES) TIME! And I don’t blame him in the least. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen, when I was working, abuse the use of personal calls during working hours. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t get nearly the calls that he used to and I will admit I’ve called my husband at work…and that is the two key words (My husband). Yet even being married to him, I don’t abuse the phone. Once in a great while I am following up to see how he was feeling, if I knew he had left the house not feeling his best. I try to make sure that he has headache and sinus meds with him. I may also call just to update him on a change in plans with the boys. But for the most part, I let him call me, but don’t wait by the phone expecting it. If he does call from work it is usually only on days when he will have breaks, or in a pause status as he waiting for the next part of a project to begin. But you’ll never see me calling and talking for 35 minutes on the bosses time.

By the end of the day, I didn’t know how he had faired the emotional storm, but was so happy when he came in the front door smiling and grabbed the house phone and said he was calling his mom back. I was again relieved to hear that he called her directly. Thank God!  He had been talking with his mother on the phone, on his way home from work when his battery died. He immediately called her back and the two of them had a wonderful conversation. I stepped out of the room to give him some privacy, but I couldn't help but over hear his laughter that filled every room of our home while he spoke. 

When his call was over, We both agreed that he needed to call his mother and father directly and weekly. That if he didn't and something happened to them, he would never forgive himself. That he needed to build his bond with them, even if over the phone for now, until we finally get out west before our retirement years. That what they talk about should be kept between them, so that it would be their special time unless someone indicates that something they said was ok to tell others. I feel that it is very important that he keeps in constant contact with them as their son, and should share with them what is going on in his life first hand and vise-versa. I am also doing the same as their daughter-in-law and that I truly have enjoyed getting to know them again and I have made it very clear that they will be informed if something bad happens here. That they will hear it directly from us so that there are no questions. By making these changes in our lives , we anticipate that the dramatic episodes and third person miss information will reduce, with quickness – we can only hope.

So in analyzing my extreme procrastination, I have found that I must take each life situation and take the information in, review it rather than react to it by, either sleeping on it or address it. After that file it away, and get back to my cleaning this house out. Or if all else fails...write a book about it or blog it.  Now I think you will be surprise, and I will not let myself be embarrased to openly admit that I have found an organizer that is willing to work with me pro-bono. Her request is to get the big stuff either put in its place or thrown away, and then she will come in to work on the little things with me. I’m excited. I can only hope she will also help me to stay on track when things happen unexpectedly. I should have my progress photos up soon. I’m hoping later tonight, but I am also writing a story for a contest that is due in next Tuesday. UGGH! (Smile). My plate is full, but I'm energized and have graduated from the speed of snail to a turtles pace. Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for reading.