"The Mind is A Powerful Thing"

We'll here it is, September 19, 2012. Nine months since I began my quest to get organized and what a quest it has been. Now for most people, when a person says that they need to get organized it generally means getting your home, office, or maybe even your storage locker you purchased to house the extra stuff that your home doesn't have room for. But what if getting organized meant, organizing your material things and your mental things? For years I saw the physical clutter in front of me and never understood the mental clutter that was the cause. I've walked around in my life in this half-baked type thought process without any answers as to why. Could it be that I was just lazy? A terrible homemaker? Depressed? Overwhelmed? Maybe all of the above - I just couldn't tell you. But what I do know is that when your mind is unorganized, the life around you will be the same. Now I'll be honest, there were times that I should have posted my before and after clutter projects, that I have been working on between the gaps in my blogging, but recently I've been trying to cope with a past situation that has found its way to the forefront of my memories that have me feeling deeply ashamed and embarrassed and what's worse this event dictated who I was all these years. I share this with you today, as it is time to move forward and that someone may be going through the same thing as myself. I'm not looking for pitty and you can't change a thing, that the past is what it is and all I can do now is try to accept and move on. Easier said than done.  I believe it is important that when someone sets out to do something and they are not consistent, sometimes there is an underlining reason of explanation that helps those around you to understand and offer support.

 

 

 

I chose to go back to a therapist to help delve into the mysteries of my mind. Why do I do what I do and say what I say. Why did I feel like I had two people living in this body of mine? In late July I discovered why. When a person has experienced a traumatic event in their life, most times they deal with the event and move on slowly in the life. Others, for whatever the reason, block the event with the hopes that the memories will never return. It take a lot of work when a person blocks a pain, a hurt, a sorrow that in their mind they just don't want to handle and that is where my problems began and left me, for years on a path of extreme behaviors created by the mind to keep a memory from returning. Now when my therapist told me that it was possible for people to go on for years this way, I looked at her as if she was a fool, but in things that I wrote and said she began to see a pattern that resembled sexual abuse/assault. I could not recall anything major when she spoke of this, but I do remember feeling panicked, the room began to spin and my breath quickened.

 

I couldn’t get out of her office fast enough and was happy to know that I was only being seen every two weeks. Personally I always believed that it was my cancer diagnosis that resulted in a duel personality - one happy and one sad. When I felt sad or scared, then the extreme happy personality would shove the other personality out of the way and take over. Yet when my therapist asked me how long I felt I had this feeling of being two people, I responded “Since I first got to Adak.” Well now that ruled out my cancer being the cause of my extreme behavior, but what in heaven’s name happened in Adak other than the typical everyday military life and drama, that would make me feel that I need to think the way that I have over the past 21 years – It just didn’t add up in my mind, however could explain the excessive need to return to the island. I have always felt there was something I needed to go get, or find, but couldn’t explain it.

 

I’d have dreams about Adak that were extremely vivid, I could smell, hear, taste, touch, I was there but would wake up very upset when my dreams would take me into a club that I used to work at called the Husky Club, which I spoke about in my book “Through the Barracks Window”, but did not recall this traumatic event that I am about to share with you, until just this summer thanks to close Seabee friend who finally provided me with the answers that I had missed placed in my mind to protect myself from the hurt. When I asked him why he waited so long to tell me what he knew his response was – I didn’t want to be the bad guy and hurt my friend with what I knew and that it seemed that I had just moved passed it and he didn’t want to bring it up.” It was after talking to him, all the memories that I had banished away behind a locked door in my mind, where once again in front of me twenty-one years later. He never knew that I had just blocked it, I had never faced it and I should have from the start.  I am finding with each day I chose to talk about what happened to me, the clutter in my mind and in my home is rapidly diminishing. So what happened to me you asked? A man took something from me without asking as he knew the answer would be NO! AND NO MEANS NO!

 

I was a DJ after my military work/duties, at the Husky Club. I was 23 years old, single, and doing what I loved after my Seabee work - I got to play music for others to enjoy. My first few nights working there I was in a training type of status – having to learn how to fade one song into another, how to turn the equipment on and off, and getting over my fear of talking on the microphone. I was a fantastic DJ – when nobody was in the building. We are all great at something when nobody is around. Now we all have those mom moments, you know the ones when you’re about to do something and you hear your mother’s voice in the back of your mind telling you to think before you do it. Well I had hit one of those moments head on. I was still very timid about working the equipment and decided that I would stay after the club closed to go over the closing process one more time before going solo. I trusted the guy who was training me – and that was my downfall. He had brought me a beer, which had already been opened, that he had got while the bar tender was closing. He was so gitty when he said, “Here, this is one of the perks of being a DJ at the Husky when you are the one closing up the place – we get free beer!” I smiled and happily accepted it.

 

The music that was playing began to sound like and can best be described as white noise. That is when my happy moment and my love for music, while the song Diamonds and Pearls, by Prince, (Which is why - Liz, I hated it when you'd request this song endlessly over the next four years I was there, and you knew I wouldn't play it. Now It has me wondering if you knew what happened? What I am told now is that  my reaction to your request then could be considered  a trigger and that I didn't understand  why the song bothered me  because my mind had chosen to block the memory of how it related.) It continued to play and my body was slowly becoming limp. The music sounded like it was beginning to fade on and off. I remember feeling tired and dazed and once in a great while I could see colored lights flash before my eyes as he spoke, “Nobody has to know.” The lights and white noise were also dreams I would have but could never find the relevance of them to my life.  I didn’t like the feeling of him touching me as he took a hold of me to lead me across the dance floor to another room, but I didn’t have any strength to pull away. I remember seeing the ladies room, but he took me into the back office with a mattress on the floor.  I hated the way he felt on top of me, but I couldn’t scream for help! I hated the scent of his cologne, but couldn’t get fresh air! I hated the sound of his voice telling me how beautiful and sexy I was! I HATED IT ALL! I HATED HIM! I was filling with rage while feeling completely helpless. I wanted to strike him, hurt him, scream at him, pull his hair, but my body just lay there – numb. I could feel the warmth of my tears pool into the corner of my eyes and then run down the side of face into my ears and then down my neck. I tried to just fixate on the warmth of my tears and he took want he wanted from me physically and sexually. He was a thief in the night never to be trusted again.

 

It was then I felt myself morf into a split person, just like being cut completely in half from head to toe. I told myself to think of something else it will all be over soon and you will forget about it. I remember going deep within myself looking for things that made me happy as he continued to have his way with me. I don’t remember when the thief finished with me, but what I do remember is constantly looking for the pink shirt that I wore that night that was never to be found again. I remember hearing loud banging on the door and soon a man’s voice saying to me, “I’m sorry I left you alone with him, I’m so sorry, will you ever forgive me.” I never looked up to see his face, I knew the voice and that he worked there, but I didn't know him personally. He insisted that I call the police, but  I just wanted to go back to my barracks room never to come out again. My personality was always positive when I finally went back to work, I refused to deal with what had happened, however my dislike to be touched by people became extreme. I tried dating guys while on the island, but I couldn't find the ability to connect and the idea of sex sickened me.

 

When the man I am now married to today, arrived on the island in 1992, I had pretty much given up on men all together. Until the night that I met him. I honestly feel that was the night that my mind had blocked what had happened to me months earlier. My husband's touch is the only touch I wanted and would accept. He had a special quality unlike the others I had dated - his hugs made me feel 100% safe and still does to this very day. I never reported what had happened to me and by the time I had met my husband, I had completely blocked what had happened, but trust me, people on the base must have known which may, or may not, explain why they were so upset that I got married only knowing a guy three months. Maybe they believed I married him because I was running away from the pain of what happened. I’ll set that record straight – How can someone run from something they don’t remember?? I married my husband, because I love him and so very much in love with him and I don’t want anyone else. It hurts me to think that still after all these years, a person who took something from me, still was taking from me mentally after all of these years and my friends and family had to suffer while I struggled with what the doctors believe were/are symptoms of P.T.S.D. for years and didn’t know or remember why.

 

To my friend who found the courage to share what they knew about that tragic part of my life on the Rock and then also let me know that I was not the only one who had been taken advantage of at the club – I thank you.  I am sure it was hard to finally reveal what you knew, but please understand I could never be mad at you and I am so thankful that it was you who told me. It will take me a long time to actually say the four letter "R" word that describes what happened to me, but I have given the information/documentation to the right people to help me move passed the memories of the event and finally be the "one personality" me I used to be. You my friend have given me a new light on life and myself and my family thank you.

 

I tell myself that with each improvement, accompanied by music that inspires me to stay on a positive road another spark of happiness shines. These are a couple of my many favorites to get me motivated and helped me attacked the Spare bedroom madness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMkHO0NzFy0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5kwUG1vAmk&feature=related

 

I know the process takes time and with the support that I have from my friends and family, I will overcome this. I have not given up my goal to be organized by the 2013 and I promise you...I WILL DO IT! I may not blog every day, but I do my best to write at least twice a week to keep you updated on this progress. I know - you will not be disappointed.

 

Below are before and after pictures of the dreaded spare bed room/office clutter hell that I battled for months, but is now in an excellent example of what happens when you let your mind go somewhere positive and your heart follows.

Looking at this I see the clutter
 that was in my mind.
Kinda gives a person whole new perspective
when someones asks you -
"What the hell are you thinking?"

 


There is peace in the Valley -
Let's hope it lasts.



 

 

 

“Combat and rape, the public and private forms of organized social violence, are primarily experiences of adolescent and early adult life. The United States Army enlists young men at seventeen; the average age of the Vietnam combat soldier was nineteen. In many other countries boys are conscripted for military service while barely in their teens. Similarly, the period of highest risk for rape is in late adolescence. Half of all victims are aged twenty or younger at the time they are raped; three-quarters are between the ages of thirteen and twenty-six. The period of greatest psychological vulnerability is also in reality the period of greatest traumatic exposure, for both young men and young women. Rape and combat might thus be considered complementary social rites of initiation into the coercive violence at the foundation of adult society. They are the paradigmatic forms of trauma for women and men.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence--from domestic abuse to political terror

Put One Foot In Front of The Other...

OK, so a few days ago, I posted my blog about cleaning out our spare bedroom/office. My plan was to do this cleaning project in four stages. However I failed to inform you, that this plan only works in my house during the week days. If I even tried to accomplish a large cleaning project on the weekend, my entire family knows that means I have to be in or be put in a bad mood. What’s that old saying, oh yes I remember, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." I think that is why my family opts for the happy mom and lets me slack a bit on my progress on the weekend.  Well I am proud to announce that I have started, what I promised, working on this cleaning chaos  that I thought was going to be well planned, easy, simple, never feeling overwhelmed, want to scream, project - not, not, not, not, not, and NOT. As you know, I am easily side tracked. Here is a perfect example; Radio on, washing floors, Cindy Lauper "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" comes on the radio, mop gets put in the bucking, phone gets picked up and two hours later, I am hanging up from a very winded conversation on big hair bands of the 80's. Then I pick up the mop, reheat the water with new floor clean, and attempt it again. Well unfortunately it's been one of those weeks, but I did however, manage to get part of the project done. Many of my distraction were edits needing to be done on my soon to be release book "Deemed Crazy", which is a fictional story...really it is. (Smile). Then our kids needed to be taken here and there for school. (Can't wait to share that blog. An event that was so crazy that I recorded it on my phone so I won't forget any details when I start writing it). I am also getting paper work together to file our newest in VA Claims - I'll be bald soon as it is a hair pulling experience. (Smile). I know, sounds like more excuses, but seriously, being a stay at home mom, means you do all the jobs and then some.

My hope was to get the room clean and get some of the new accessories up. Before I started I went to Home Depot to pick up some new switch plates and outlet covers, Yes a form of self-motivation that I believed would work, and it did a little - A very little. While I was there something bad happened, something I feared - The garden section was screaming and begging for me to wander through. OK, I didn't fear it because I am not afraid of plants; my fear is that I can't say to no to pretty flowers. My youngest son warned me of my lack of will power to say no to the pretty flowers. He was so right. We are now the owners two new plans, one of which is a hibiscus plant. (I'll get back to the bedroom/office progress in a second; see I am side tracked already).

I also got a Boston Fern which I have the ability to get those things to grown to ginormous sizes, so before it gets any bigger, let me provide you with a before photo and then at the end of the summer, I'll provide you with the after photo. All the plant items were 50%, 60%, and 70% off. Normally to buy both of these plants would have sent me back $53.00 + 6% sales tax (Thank you Maryland, please learn to budget better and stop taxing everything). But I got them both for only $15.00. I so love a bargain! OK, so by now you can see, I get distracted pretty easy, unless I am watching the movie Highlander, A Knights Tale, Hunt for Red October, Pretty Woman, or enjoying private time with the honey...OK, OK, TMI! Enough of my ramblings. So You want to know the answer to the the burning question of the day..."Stacey did you get your clutter crap cleaned up yet?" Yes and No.  Below is a picture of my progress on my newest clutter clean up.

I can finally open the closed door. The book shelf is better; it's holding a few books and music binders. As you can see by the next picture, I cleaned my desk off. I got the things off the floor. The stuff on the bed is what was in the closet. I didn't have the kahunas to show you that monstrosity. So, I can say, I got two parts of the four step plan complete. I am hoping that by Monday, I will be able to present you with a room so clean you'll wonder whose house it is. (Smile).  So day by day I am kicked my addiction. What addiction you ask? My addiction to keep things because for some reason years ago, I honestly believed that my things were the only way I could keep my memories. Dumb hua? I seriously thought that.

But after a while, my things were now only keeping bad memories in my mind, as the things made my house look bad, made my family feel bad, and kept our friends away. With the house now in a rapid decluttering state, I feel like a million dollars, but don't have any urge to shop. I also don't feel any connection to the things like I once did. Well unless it is photographs and those types of mementos. But a magazine dated 2007, seriously needs to go. I can clean and say to myself - Do you really want that? Do you really need that? If you keep it, where will it go? Most of the time I don't have to ask myself all three questions as the first one is more than enough. My garbage guys used to hate us, but I can safely say we now have a normal trash pickup. No more mounds of garbage bags pilled in our driveway. We use only two trash cans and that is it. I've come a long way baby. (Smile).  So, again to all my loyal readers and those with your kind words of inspiration, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Who says you need therapy when I have the whole world to answer too. Thanks everyone for your support and the storage ideas are awesome. When I get enough of those, I am going to put a blog together on everyones suggestions. Well until next time - Blog you later.

 I love this quote and I wanted to share it with you. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ~Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints, 1966

P.S. As you may now know, I have started in a new endeavor to raise money for Gulf War Veterans - One book at a time.  I am asking that you go to the webpage on facebook entitled; "Through the Barracks Window: A Time of Waves", There is no cost to anyone, just the click of the "Like" button is all that I am asking of you and then send the information on to all of your friends and have them do the same, and so on and so on. This will help us advertise our cause without the high costs of advertising companies out there. Again many thanks for your continued support. Until next time, blog ya later.

"Getting Back on Task - Can I really do it?"

Hello to all in blogger land. Today is a quest to complete the newest in organizational projects - finally organizing our home office/spare bedroom. As ashamed as I am, I am posting a before picture to show you what I am up against. Lately I have been a bit side tracked as you probably have noticed with my other blog site. I found that the last week was both challenging and rewarding. The most challenging part was trying to teach my children about personal boundaries and why they should practice this all of their lives. A topic that I try not to harp on, but there is a few out there who just put themselves right smack dab into the middle of my soapbox, which I vented about enough the other day, but I know the lady in question read it, or was told about it, as she and the other lady was on their best behavior at the barber shop when we went in again for my other son. "See I knew you could be nice, ladies!" But ya know what. This isn't about them today so I'm moving on to an even better topic in addition to my getting back on track with this clutter chaos in our home. So what is better than seeing my clutter chaos unfold for all to see...?

20 Years Ago May 6th, 1992

 My husband and I celebrated our 20th Wedding Anniversary on May 6th, WAA WHOO! WE MADE IT! I will say it was a wonderful day/weekend that was spent with dear friends that we have adopted as family. My husband and I spent most of that weekend hanging out at an event called "BayBBQ", that was hosted by the Annapolis Rotary Club to raise money for youth community programs. Food was delicious, over 32 bands played for two days. It was a great time. It also gave us time to sit and do something we haven't done in a while. Sit and just talk and remember the great times we have had over the last 20 years together. What I found to be the best part, neither of us has any regrets as to our choice to marry and we are hoping that the next 20 are less eventful, meaning medical issues, family drama, and extreme life challenges. However with all that we have endured in our marriage one thing stands true, and believe you me, we have had people and things really try to push us to the brink of separating, our love just gets stronger and stronger. Won't they ever learn....they are only making our bond stronger than ever the more they try to pit us against each other?

20 Years Later - May 6th, 2012

With my husband going through testing for Gulf War Syndrome, I see a new focus on our lives together and he knows that, just like he did for me when I fell ill, I will stand by him, whatever the outcome brings. I feel like I have my best friend back. He calls during the day just to say hello and believe it or not, that means more to me than flowers, cards, or candy. Now as I have said before, the power of positive thinking can move mountains and with the card that he gave me for our Anniversary. His written words, and our special conversations about us and our future, was all this lady, meaning me, needed to get in the complete mindset that I can accomplish anything. My goal this week get the projects finished that I started and got so distracted, that they never got done. So my project for the rest of this week, not two hours or in a day as this project will be tedious, I am going to completely organize our home office/spare bedroom. I will keep you posted on my progress.  What I have planned is to cut the room into four quarters and do a quarter a day. Less overwhelming, more progress...ok, that's my mind set, give me a chance. (Smile). So I must begin my newest quest now, as my previous plan to get the bathroom redone, did not work with our budget at this time. Have a fantastic Thursday and remember....depending on where you live in the world, It's either almost the weekend or is the weekend. WAA WHOO!  Until next time - Blog you later.

TOTAL CLUTTER CHAOS!
MY NEWEST PROJECT IN TAMING THE CLUTTER MADNESS!

YOU WANNA KNOW? YOU GOT IT!

Join me on Monday April 16, 2012 and find out exactly how I'm doing with my question to be clutter free. We are eight months away to my big reveal. Will I meet my goal? What troubles, if any, have I conquered along the way. Find out how the last four months have been and why lies ahead in my clutter monstrosity.

While you have a free weekend, can I suggest an outstanding and inspirational book to read. "Through the Barracks Window" A True Story.

Now on Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com

You'll be glad you got it and it helps raise money for our wounded soldiers in our Armed Forces.

Have a great weekend and we'll blog you Monday.

To Tax or Not to Tax

This was the day, February 23, 2012, a day that I had been dreading, worrying about, pondering endlessly on techniques to be as ready as I could be, a day that some look forward to and others cringe and want to just hide away. What day am I talking about? Why tax preparation day. Now, I don't mind it, as we usually get a little something in return, however getting our documents together, that is where I fail considerably. I put things in places that I think my brain will remember but then forgets ten minutes after have filed it in my no-fail filing system. Yes I am being sarcastic once again. For my husband and me, itemizing is our best route as we pay a lot of out of pocket expenses when it comes to medical and dental. Yet with itemizing, comes the task of maintain all documentation for the accounts. If I can get the receipts and medical paperwork into the same room, than I am on a roll. I've tried binders, pretty multi-colored folders, pocket files, large file cabinets and small portable files boxes. I just can't seem to get into a routine/system of placing things where they are supposed to go.

Now in 2010, I actually was on task and on target. Documents were put where they belonged. So what is the problem this year? Well I'll tell you. My family likes to play room hopscotch. The room, in which my office is in at this very moment, is in the front of our home and was the original office when we first moved here in back in 1992. It worked perfectly; there was only a desk and a book shelf. In 1997 when I was due with my second son, the office was moved to a desk down in our family room which remained there for about 11 years. About three years ago my older son wanted a large room, so we make him a room downstairs and wha la, old office/bedroom was free again and I moved it back upstairs, but not for long. My mother came to live with us in the fall of 2009, so my office was moved back downstairs and file boxes had to be stacked next to it. Does anyone know what happens when you stack more than three boxes high if they are to be entered daily? Well for me, I got lazy and just started dropped the papers on my desk or on the book shelf, rather than take the time to file them where they needed to go. 

So this only strengthens my quest to get myself on a completely organized schedule. It always seems to be the same song and dance year after year, with the exception of 2010 – dig through the boxes and papers to be sure I have all my documents and W-2’s to get my taxes filed before April 15^th. Well I got it done with 22 days to spare…phew! Another project completed and will add this to my list of accomplishments, however I won’t feel that this is fully accomplished until I am organized so that if you asked me to located a document, I’ll know right where to go to find what I’m looking for and I won’t need a pair of search dogs to sniff it out. Wow, glad I got rid of the mystery stench that would have certainly thrown them off the document search trail.

YOU'RE KIDDING...RIGHT?

Merry Christmas? Ha-ha? No I guess you're right, it isn't funny. Honestly it is actually rather sad when you read on about what this mess is and how long it's been there. OK, so I am all about doing what I say I am going to do, but I still get side tracked extremely easy lately with other motherly duties, but I am moving ahead, at a turtles pace. So OK, the first two pictures are the beginning stages of my coat and linen closet Sunday clean.  What? You thought they were bigger? Nope. Oh I'm hearing you now - Then why in the hell can't I get them cleaned, it's not like it’s a whole room or a garage or something...its two puny fiberboard closets. OK, you’re right. Shhhh, do not tell anyone I said that. Ha-ha. For the longest time I was using the excuse that I needed packing boxes so that I could store all of these glass Christmas ornaments overhead in the attic and I would start painting them for next year’s craft shows later in the spring so my inventory would be all caught up. To me, my thinking was all well in good, the problem is that I have been saying this for the last TEN years. This next closet is a bit more chaotic, however again, is just as easy to take care of as the ornament closet.

My reasoning about this cluttered mess is that it seems to be a catch all. Yes it is for sheets, extra blankets and tablecloths. But I see no organization to this fiber madness. Now we have only four beds in this house. Two are twin, one is full and the other is a queen. So, realistically, how many sets of sheets does one house really need? Two, three tops. Well I counted out our sheets and I was devastated as to what I had. 7 Sets of queen size sheets, 4 sets of full size and 8 sets of twin size. NOW COME ON SELF! Who needs all that? So, I have set limits on everything here as well. 2 sets for each bed and that is that. My husband and I got spoiled when I accidentally on purpose splurged on a set of Egyptian cotton 600 thread count Tommy Hilfiger sheets. I got them for $50.00, but it wasn't until I had taken them out of the package, that I noticed that their original price was $312.00, but were marked down because of the color. For us, the color just happens to match the paint chip/room idea card I got from Lowe's. I would never have paid the full price of the sheets even if I was the richest person on earth, and $50.00 was pushing it too. But the outcome...my honey and I hate getting up in the morning and worse, neither one of us want any other type of sheet on the bed. We'd even go as far as staying up late until they are out of the dryer. So now I plan accordingly and wash them first thing in the morning. So we definitely don't need 8 sets of queen sized sheets when we only like the one.

OK, I'm getting side tracked, moving on. I have this project half done. Both closets are empty. I am in the process of cleaning all the linens, and what doesn't get chosen to stay, goes. Now if my phone would stop ringing and my motherly duties could hold off just about three more hours, this project will also be complete. So for now, I'll let you go and I'm off to make dinner for my three growing men in my life. (Smile).  I can say if you thought this was bad, what until I tell you about my pantry adventure, you'll never believe it, that's why I have pictures.  Have a great night everyone.  Blog you tomorrow.

A BIG CLUTTER MILESTONE GOAL REACHED!

Yes, that is me in February 2010. It was my husband 40th Birthday surprise party, I thought I was looking great, (I was living the life of denial)...little did I know that my weight was another part of the problem with my emotional outlook on life. I was very insecure...yes I said it...I WAS insecure. By December 2010, I was 298 lbs., a size 26, and a physical miserable mess. I think I can honestly say that I was at rock bottom by December 2010. I had a large case, no pun intended, of the guilties for not accompanying my husband to his birth father’s funeral in November of 2010. Then to really test my emotional frame of mind, I got email bashed by an old "So called friend" of my husbands. Funny what happens when a woman (myself), gets the idea in her head, that her (my) relationship is being threatened – how sad and extreme a woman (I) can become. They either run and hide or come back twice as strong. What do you think I did? Don't answer that, you might get it wrong. Believe it or not, I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and disappear, yet at the same time I knew I had to change myself. I kept finding myself asking the same question over and over in my mind, "How the hell did this strong independent women turn into the overweight, lonely, untrusting of anyone, reactive, emotional, co-dependent person I was. Then to add insult to injury, I then somehow had become the naive person I was before I met my husband. My brain was a cluttered mess. I couldn't think or process the easiest tasks. As much as I vowed I'd never be that naive girl again, in my mind, I was exactualy that girl and then some.  OMG! On Dec 7, 2011, my doctor updated my medical status and if I didn't begin to change I would end up a full-fledged diabetic, because of my weight, and a heart attack because of the high level of stress I was under. What it boiled down to...I had to declutter my mind and what was going on within me, in order to start cleaning up what was going on around me.



These are the pants in the first picture.



To start, I had to put my faults down on paper. This, my dear readers, was a big time wakeup call. A huge reality check if we want to keep the descriptions modern. (Smile). Not only did I have issues, I just couldn’t get over the lack of respect that I had for myself and I realized, If I don't respect myself, then who would? Nobody! Here it is, one year and one month later. SURPRISED - Is the reaction I get from people who haven’t seen or spoken to me since I reached my goal to lose the weight and declutter my mind. People say, “Wow, what diet are you on? What are you doing? Are you exercising? I want to do what you’re doing. You must feel great!” Yes, I do feel great and no I am not on a diet – That response usually quiets a room. I’m serious I didn’t get caught up in a multimillion dollar weight loss program. All I did was stopped drinking soda. I stopped eating junk food and anything that has more than 5 grams of sugar in it, I don’t put it in my mouth. For exercise, I picked up Yoga – LOVIN’ IT! 



Me as a size 12/14



But the biggest thing that I did, and was the most important – I learned to respect myself and began the process of clearing out the clutter of unnecessary thoughts in my mind. I learned that I can’t change the people around me, I can only change myself. I can’t change the way people think, I can only change my way of thinking. The hardest lesson I learned, was that if you want people to hear what you’re saying, you also have show them that you are a good listener.

 

I took all the negative elements in my life and made them work in a positive way for me. My way of thinking, eating, guilt, insecurity, depression, co-dependency, reactiveness, emotional disconnect, thought I was lonely, and yes I even found a way to turn the email from the, “I tell it like it is,” old friend, to work to my advantage. A big thank you to her, you totally inspired me to write one hell of a book. Now if my publishers and I could get on the same page with the cover, they tell me it will one day be a best seller, hands down.  The biggest and final wakeup call - when I learned why she went on to write the words that she did. I think she’d be the one who feels the fool now if she knew that SHE HAD BEEN LIED TO TOO! Sucks doesn’t it! Moving on to better things.



There were my jeans a year ago - Size 26



I let so much negative life stay bottled up in my mind, that it physically paralyzed me. I had to create a positive image in my mind along with my changes in sugar content and food and so, I saw myself thin, I saw myself smiling, I saw myself happy and I saw myself loved. Love can move mountains, and love helped me see the light of change. I didn’t want to bomb bard you with my past, but sometimes reading someone else’s struggles as to why they do what they do to themselves or how others affect people, helps us see that we are not alone in this world. That one time or another, we have all been in a place that we feel is our own rock bottom. It may not have anything to do with weight, yet somehow we can still connect with the feeling of hurt or disappointment. If you want to be happy, than be happy, you can do it! I believe in you, just like I now believe in myself. You only get one shot at this lifetime, grab a hold of it, and make it yours. So what if that dream of being a millionaire hasn’t come true, you’re alive, right? So what if you don’t have a fancy car, you’re still alive. And even when you’re feeling that you are not loved…love yourself and who you are, as there is nobody else like you. Don’t let the influence others dictate who you are, what you want in live, and what you look like. I have taken back my life and I am stronger than ever and I will never let hurtful words or negativity ever claim me again.

In all the clutter and fog that has been removed from my mind, body and soul, I found my life again and the people I want to share that life with. Yet all of those dear family and friends in my life, they should all know by now, the three most important men in my life, that keep me motivated to keep moving forward and not to give up – My husband, and two sons. I am blessed to have your love and support and that you kept believeing in me, just when I though that all hope had been lost. I Love You Always.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LflD37JAlS0

I SMELL A FISH?

Refrigerator Before

I am completely speechless as to how long it has actually been since I have updated my, Clutter Blog, as it is known for short in my house. I am proud to say that with illness and doctors’ appointments to keep my younger son comfortable, I still found time to complete a project that is usually one that goes for years...yes I said years, undone unless there is a massive spill that usually goes undiscovered until an odd mystery smell finds its way throughout our home. Obviously by the picture to your left, you knew I was talking about our refrigerator. Now come on, how many of you clean your's on a weekly basis?...Yeah I know there will be some of you out there who do, and are completely disgusted with my lax-a-daisy method. In my home, as I looked around each room, I noticed a theme present. Items were never put back in the place where they belong in our home. This is the same for our refrigerator/freezer. Put it where it fits, seems to be the thing to do when putting things back.  So, my plan was to complete the refrigerator side this week and the freezer side next week. Again, my plan was to have the one side done in an afternoon. Not no...But Hell NO! I wish you could have seen the things I found. Jell-O or jam that had fallen over and slowly oozed down the sides and back of my fridge. Then the worst part, the mystery meat and green cheeses, that were not green when I purchased them. The most revolting part of this clean was the piece of Cod, which I had planned on making fish chowder with, that was somehow pushed to the back bottom shelf.  I figured my husband or kids had thrown it out days ago, as they are not fish eaters and probably feared I would make a dish with fish in it, without telling them.  Now come one, would I do that? Not after what happen to my husband when I opened a can of tuna one day for my lunch...he made himself sick. Anyway the smell of this hidden fish, found its way through out our home, and oddly enough, my husband and boys started looking at me. Hey now!...I have no hygiene issues. I'm not getting blamed for the odor in the house. But the green cheese, now that rancid smell, wow, it was close to the bad case of boot foot that my three guys have. I keep telling them to wear sneakers once in a great while and they wouldn't have halitosis of the foot so much, but do they ever listen to me? Nope.

Refrigerator After

So battling the bulge of food and items that kept falling from our fridge each time we would open the door, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands and get the job done and done right. The trash guys hated me. Nothing worse than a ton of bad meat, cheese and items that are sold in glass. It makes the trash bags extra heavy. Glad I don't get charged by weight or volume. I'd be broke. So as you can see with the picture to the right, things are organized, but not in places where I would like them to be, usually I have milk on the door and vegetables in the veggie bin, but one of the bids were so filled with stuck on things that had made their way from the top of the fridge to the drawers, that it wouldn't open and so the track is still soaking and I need a very small tool to get into those tiny crevasses. UGH. But for the most part you can see that the less is more approach, is a nice way to go. You can see what you’re looking for and there is no funky meaty, cheesy, fishy, smell. Be glad that the internet doesn’t have a smell button. You would have never kept reading. All in all, I am getting there at a snail’s pace that is on its way to Florida from Maine. Slowly but surely, I am getting a hold of the constant clutter and will be able to brag about my victory in another 11 months, 1 week and 4 days. Thanks for stopping by to check on my clutter progress. My next attempt will be going back downstairs to clean out the linen and coat closet. If that gets done, then I will be able to go back to my bedroom closet and liquidate it for sure. I'll keep you posted on my progress and will always post before and after pictures. Just so you know I'm not making any of this up. I'm also excited about a blog update on my weight loss, talk about shockers, can't wait to share the before and after pictures of this milestone, but that story, I will have to share sometime in the future. Right now I'm focused on clutter. Have a great Friday, I know I'm going to enjoy it...its date night with my sweetheart.